Anyone of you ever read "The Catcher in the Rye"?
well, anyone in a country that doesn't have that book banned anyways.

 well, the main character, Holden Caufield, hates phoniness.
the whole book talks about phony, and conformity.
and there are all the other points that make this book brilliant, or not.

but i'm not going to talk about the book.
i'm going to talk about the phoniness of the world.

Everywhere you go, people are lying to you.
just thinking, and feeling better, just because they said something that'll probably make YOU feel better.
the truth is, it doesn't.
But when people don't say these lies, they feel offended.
But when they do, they feel crappy anyways, and hate them for feeling that.
anyone who doesn't think this way, is extremely gullible.
how ironic is that?

Wait! You Need to Pay the Directions Tax

Tourist: Excuse me, how do I get to Times Square?
Ghetto dude: This is Times Square.
Tourist, slower and louder: No. Times Square.
Ghetto dude, slower and louder: This is Times Square.
Tourist: No, I'm looking for the actual square. Where's the square?
Ghetto dude: Oh, you want the square... Go down six blocks, turn left, and go down three. You can't miss it.
Tourist: Hey, thanks a lot, man.
Ghetto dude: Dumb fuck.

--42nd & Broadway

Why the MTA Has Principals' Offices

Man #1: Hey, hey! Who do you think you are?
Woman #1: Excuse me?
Man #1: You! Get that bag off the seat!
Woman #2: Leave her alone.
Man #1: Shut up! She has her fucking bag on the seat! Nobody's better than anyone else. We're all people. She shouldn't take up two fucking seats!
Man #2: Nobody wants to sit next to you, so you're taking up two seats, too.

--A train

High Expectations Can Have Unintended Consequences

Kindly gent: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little kid: Retarded!
Kindly gent: Retarded?
Little kid: My grandpa is retarded, and he gets to play and watch TV all day!
Kindly gent: [Stunned silence.]
Kid's mom, embarrassed: He means 'retired.'
Little kid: Retarded! Retarded! Retarded! I wanna be retarded! [Starts to cry.]

--Washington & Water St

Then It's at Least Two Sins

Street preacher: Oh, you poor ladies. You are on your way to Hell. Stop holding each other like that! Don't you know that lesbianism is a sin?
Girl: Dude, that's my mom!

--Jay St

Jet-Propelled Wednesday One-Liners

I have finally come out of the hiatus mode .

I have reached a resolution. A resolution to a question/problem/issue that has been troubling/tormenting/draining me for years. And it is a big one. A big and simple resolution, and it goes something like this:

I have a list of friends, not a formal list, but probably a semi-formal one, who I have deeply ambivilent feelings about. Friends who I have a troubled relationship with, whether that trouble is active in life or just troubled in my puzzle-box mind. Yes, I have a small selection of friends with whom I have a relationship which is not troubled at all, which is simple and easily joyful, and I treasure them, but it wouldn't even be fair to say I treasure them more than the troubled ones. I treasure them all differently. It is one of the things I like about myself.

If you are on the list of troubled relationships, you probably know it, so I will be so bold as to address you directly to explain what I have figured out:

I love you. That is the revelation. That is the resolution.

I am so full of judgement sometimes that is it a wonder I even walk upright. And I don't think I will stop wrestling with judgement. But the question of "it is worth it" and "should I even try to continue" is not a question I have any more, because I have realized this. That I love you.

Maybe it is that I love you and you can't help who you love so I am stuck with it. Or maybe it is that I love you because you are one of the few, carefully selected people I have chosen to love. I don't know. I know that I have no trouble shutting people out, and I rarely go back and let them in. But once you are in, you are in. So here we are.

You are flawed. Really, you are massively flawed. But in all of my life, I have never, I swear and am certain NEVER, made friends with anyone who was more flawed than I am. I mean, I have flaws that go all the way through to the other side. I am practically duct taped together. I have never taken from anyone more shit than the amount of shit they have had to take from me. So I just don't have a position to judge from. I don't even HAVE a high road to look down from.

The fact is, I love you. And that is why I continue to be your friend. That is why I will never write you off. And starting right now, I will love you without shame or reservation no matter how flawed I think you are, or you think you are, or our relationship seems to be. Because the flaws are fucking nothing. Because it is all so much, much bigger than that.

I choose not to withhold my love from you. I choose to give it all, all the time. Imperfectly. Irrationally. Unconditionally. Because that is what I am made to do and that is who I choose to be.

I love you, and whatever bullshit there has been, I have arrived to tell you, I am over it. 


Rag dance is coming along just fine. I wish i could stop worrying incessantly and unnecessarily. I'm glad to be back in hall.

GEORGE: [to Meredith] "I know you've been going through a bad time. I know you miss Shepherd and that your life has been pretty unpleasant these days. You get points for breathing in and out. You get to be a little selfish. But you don't get to choose a dog over me. You don't. My name is George. I sleep down the hall from you. I buy you tampons. I hold your hand. Every time you ask. I've earned the right to be seen. To be respected. So, I'm not moving out. Whether you like it or not, I'm staying." 

MEREDITH: "Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

ALEX: [to teenage patient who asks him to kiss her]: "Hey, listen. For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something... to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere... a kiss so hot and so deep that you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. You don't want to. Trust me. When you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything.

MEREDITH: [narrating] "I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don't know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. As for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something we have to define for ourselves." 

GEORGE: [to Meredith] "I know you've been going through a bad time. I know you miss Shepherd and that your life has been pretty unpleasant these days. You get points for breathing in and out. You get to be a little selfish. But you don't get to choose a dog over me. You don't. My name is George. I sleep down the hall from you. I buy you tampons. I hold your hand. Every time you ask. I've earned the right to be seen. To be respected. So, I'm not moving out. Whether you like it or not, I'm staying." 

PRESTON: "So, I have a question to ask. I checked the schedule and I noticed that both you and I are off tonight. I have a favorite restaurant. I made reservations."
CRISTINA: "None of those were questions."

MEREDITH: [narrating] "Pain. You just have to ride it out. You can only hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside."

MEREDITH: [narrating] "Nobody likes to lose control, but as a surgeon there's nothing worse. It's a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. Still there are times when it just gets away from you, when the world stops spinning, when you realize your shiny little scalpel isn't gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. It's scary as hell. Except there's an upside to the free fall. It's the chance you give your friends to catch you." 

MEREDITH: "Hey."
DEREK: "Hey. You almost died today."
MEREDITH: "Yeah, I almost died today."
[pause]
MEREDITH: "I can't, I can't remember our last kiss. All I could think about was 'I'm going to die today' and I can't remember our last kiss. Which is pathetic but the last time we were together and happy... I want to be able remember that. And I can't, Derek. I can't remember."
DEREK: "I'm glad you didn't die today."
[pause]
DEREK: "It was a Thursday morning, you were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in. The one with the hole at the back of the neck. You'd just washed you hair and smelled like some kind of... flower. I was running late for surgery, you said you were going to see me later, and you lean to me, put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. It was quick. Kind of like a habit. You know, like we'd do it everyday for the rest of our lives. Then you went back reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed."

MEREDITH: [narrating] "As doctors, as friends, as human beings, we all try to do the best we can. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. Just when you’ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts. It knocks you off your feet. If youre lucky, you end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover. But some wounds are deeper than they first appear, and require more than just a quick fix. With some wounds, you have to rip of the band-aid, let them breathe and give them time to heal."

MEREDITH: [narrating] "There's something to be said about a glass half full, about knowing when to say when. I think it's more of a floating line, a barometer of need. Of desire. It's entirely up to the individual, and it depends what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless... all we want is more."

MEREDITH: [narrating] "I've heard that it’s possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend, in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give up hope."

RICHARD: "Punching out people on my surgical floor. My head of neurosurgery is punching out people on my surgical floor."
ADDISON: "Put some ice on your hand."
DEREK: "My hand is fine."
RICHARD: "Put the damn ice on your two million dollar a year hand. Now someone tell me what the hell happened."
ADDISON: [pauses] "That was Mark."
RICHARD: "Who’s Mark?"
ADDISON: "He and Derek used to work together back in New York. And they... we... we were all close friends. Until Derek found us in bed together."
RICHARD: "Did you put your weight behind it?"
DEREK: "Yes sir."
RICHARD: [pauses] "Well, alright then."

[more to be continued]

I finally found the song that i was looking for. Thanks to William.

When God Ran - Philips, Craig and Dean

Almighty God, the great I am
Immovable rock, omnipotent, powerful, awesome Lord
Victorious warrior, commanding King of Kings
Mighty conqueror, and the only time
the only time I ever saw Him run

CHORUS:
Was when He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,
“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise when God ran

The day I left home I knew I’d broken His heart
And I wondered then if things could ever be the same
Then one night I remembered His love for me
And down that dusty road ahead I could see
It was the only time – it was the only time I ever saw Him run

And then He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,
“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise as He brought me to my knees
When God ran – I saw Him run to me

BRIDGE:
I was so ashamed, all alone and so far away
But now I know He’s been waiting for this day

I saw Him run to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice I felt His love for me again

He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said, “Son”, He called me Son
He said, “Son do you know I still love you?”
He ran to me and then I ran to Him
When God ran

I think the lyrics pretty much sums up what i am feeling.

That aside, my hamsters gave birth to 3 babies last Thurs. It was a pretty traumatising event for me, Jx and michelle because we saw how the mother hamster tortured its kids by running on the wheel with them inside, bobbing up and do and one even got flung out of the wheel! Come to think of it, we were pretty dumb to have actually sat there and watch the mother hamster did that withouth even stopping the wheel. And virgenia just told me today that the last baby had died =( I was kinda expecting it because Lil Brat ( thats the mother hamster) didn't seem like she cared about the babies. Better luck next time i guess. 

And this is Adona from PB , a friend that i recently got to know. She's from Phillipines and only 19. I n fact, she's here on an internship and i swear that PB is exploiting her because she gets paid $2 ++ per hour while we are paid $7.5 an hour!  I have grown to be very fond of her despite knowing her for only less than a week because of her personality which is so endearing. And she's really pretty for a filipino. Sad thing is that she's leaving back to Filipino in a week's time. Speaking of leaving, i have decided to go over to work at Durty Nelly's at Marina Square.
 

I'm glad B is coming back soon - 3 days more to be exact =) Time sure does fly whe you are kept occupied. And also, my sister is coming back on 7th! Apparently she has blossomed into this hot and pretty girl. hahaha! well i certainly look forward to her company again =)

Its been such a long time since i updated. I have decided to come out of hibernation mode and start blogging again. Hopefully this time,i will be constant. Constancy has never been a trait of me, in fact, i'm one of the most inconsistent person ever.

So then, there has been so many things happening. I got an admin job, making reservations for people taking ferries, but am quitting soon to go back to my old pub. Sitting in the office and staring at the com was simply too boring for me, especially since they didn't allow us to read a book or do anythign even when there is nothing else to do. i'm starting this coming tuesday, so hopefully, i still remember my drinks and everything else.

Friday, B flew off to Cambodia for 3 weeks!! i'll miss him like mad, am doing so now actually. Things are different between us now, having a clearer path as to where we're heading and what is about to happen. I'm thankful for him because i've never met anyone quite like him.

Another big issue here is the fact that i've taking up the role as Rag choreographer together with Jac, Julia and Wanyu. Us all being freshies, and them being new choreos, i sure hope that everything turns out fine. That we get along well and try to live up to the standards of rag. I hope we can overcome our own uncertainties and bridge forward to new ideas and cooperate to make this work seriously. Am going to pray really hard for this.

And then the biggest issue comes in. I have decided that Dance shall only be an interest to me and nothing more. I've been asking myself this question a million times - what am i going to do with Dance and what is all this commitment to dance for? i know as a matter of fact that i will never be a dance teacher, nor pursue anything related to the dance industry as my career. So why then, am i going for so many different Dance classes when it will only serve to obstruct some of the other more important goals in my life, like studies and God? So yea, hopefully i will cut down on my Dance stuff and instead, put my focus on studies and God. I really want to go back to God and let his plans unfold for me. Time and time again, i take things in my own hands, i do what i like to do, i never relied on him nor thought about Him. but i guess its time for me to hand everything back to Him and watch as His plans for me take place. I wouldn't mind dancing for the ministry of God, if thats what God wants me to do. Now, i just have to wait patiently and see what He wants, not what I want..

There was a period of time when i was really walking beside God and listening and relying on Him for everything. He provided. But then, a number of unanswered prayers and lure of temptation soon put a stop to the relationship. i didn't feel lost nor alone in those days. I put all my trust and faith in him, and he created miraculous results. I prayed for a Bible, i got one. I prayed that my parents would not stop me from going church, they didn't, which was a huge miracle because they were anti-christ and staunched Buddhists. I prayed that my tests would turn out fine, I got the best results in my entire 2 years in Jc for that semester. but then, i stumbled. I had been praying for my parents, but it didn't happen, they grew worse and worse. Finally they stopped me from going to Church altogether. My mum would curse and taunt me of God and slowly, i succumbed to their demands and stopped going church altogether. I felt God didn't help me then, and so i lost hope in Him and decided to take control of my own life.  I had faith still, but i felt no need for God. But the days then and now were so different. Now i feel lost and alone. 

We love him because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19

So yea, serious stuff aside, its finally pictures time. 

thats PeeWee, one of my hamsters running on the wheel. Didn't manage to catch Lil Brat (the other hamster)

random picture taken with my ring




my hp. hahaha.



i love this picture because it looks kinda vintage-ish


me and my bestie!




Me and mich at sentosa with some Eusoff guys ( now its just me and mich narcisstic moment. haha!)



peacock spotted outside the toilet



i was tryin to be artisitc but it didn't really turn out that well



zhiyuan's shot turned out better than mine! macro focus



B tried to capture the sunset but it was too far a shot. quality din turn out really well



cutest couple award. haha, sorry mich!



sneak shot! 



ah yes. the guys the guys. from top left in clockwise: peian, mich, peter, me, zhiyuan, shawn aka ah nua, bern



at the airport, sending B off to cambodia



yet another narcisstic shot while waiting at the airport



and finally...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070416/ap_on_re_us/virginia_tech_shooting;_ylt=AmqDWL.d0WZcTYjjmE76swes0NUE

The best summary of my life in the past couple of weeks is this. I'm opting in favor of brevity, but make no mistake that I could not be happier, more at peace, or more ready to get out into the world guns blazing.

"you take me in
no questions asked
you strip away the ugliness
that surrounds me
are you an angel
am I already that gone?
I only hope
that I won't disappoint you"

-excerpt "Sweet Surrender" Sarah McLaughlan


Now thats a funny cup.

By Laura J. Bagby
CBN.com Producer