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Angst

Some things can never be the same again.

Some people hide their past,
As if it never existed.
Some people praise their past,
As if they were gifted.
Some people just leave the past untouched,
And just live their future with pure lust.
Some people are determined and ambitious to live their life,
While others await for angels to lift them at night.

Good night people...
I'm disturbed. Disturbed by the people in this world, by the vast difference in the poverty and richness of this world. Was doing my usual browsing on flickr when i came across pictures taken of homeless kids in Brazil and Rwanda. Isn't it ironic that the people who claimed that they care are actually flocking over to Vietnam, Cambodia, Myanmar and countries as such that are congested with missionaries trying to help. Its good of course, and i salute those people who are doing that. But i also think its time that we start looking at the countries that are being neglected like Brazil, Africa, Rwanda etc. Sometimes i wish i could do more, that i know what is it that i could do more and that i would push aside everything else that mattered to me, be unselfish for once and go all out to help those in need.








I Find  it amazing how these kids are able to smile despite sleeping and eating off the street. Such simple happiness despite the circumstances they are in, compared to kids in Singapore who complain without their favorite food on the table.


I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we feel, no matter what others do
I've learned that either you control your attitude, or it controls you
I've learned that true friends accept you as you are, but that would never stop you from trying to change them.
I've learned that the smallest secret can change your life forever.

I've learned that you should always tell your loved ones loving words.
Son, just one more thing - I love you


****

A lesson taught on a day, like no other day in this boy's life.
Words have the power to change life, when they are said in a moment like this one.



Growing

There are so many decisions to make at this time in your life and so many changes with family and friends. Whether or not you know what you want your life to be, looking to the future can be overwhelming. Work, school or both take up so much time and energy that it seems like there’s little left over for fun and relaxation. The future may not look as exciting as it once did, and it may even look a little overwhelming at times. The freedom that comes with adulthood also comes with a lot of responsibility. There are even more demands on your time, and people treat you like a child in some ways, but expect you to act like an adult in others. All you can do is your best. Follow your heart and use your common sense. Most of all, believe in yourself and in your dreams. You will likely have to make some sacrifices and work hard for a while, but dreams are worth the effort. The choices you make and the way you live you life now will determine what your future will be. Every day is precious, each moment unique. Learn to enjoy and appreciate the beauty and the people around you. Make time to enjoy yourself, but work hard, too. You’ll find that the present and the future can be all you could ever hope for.

The following passage is for friends who are hurting and in the process of recovering and healing.

The process of healing may take a long time and part of it is self-growth but it will not always be simple, enjoyable, and rewarding. It certainly can be, but there is also another aspect of the self-growth journey. And that is, when everything falls apart.

One of the major parts of self-growth is learning how to look inside yourself and get clear about certain things. These are usually deep-rooted beliefs that we formed in childhood. These beliefs are usually what prevent us from living fully productive lives. The problem is that these deep-rooted beliefs are part of the foundation upon which our current lives are built. So dissolving them is an excellent idea.

That’s what happened to me this week. I had been struggling with since childhood. I finally felt totally clear on why it was there, and I understood exactly what I needed to do to dissolve it. So, I set about doing just that and then everything fell apart.

I spent a couple of days feeling shell-shocked. Finally, I understood what was happening, and I could see clearly how everything is interconnected. It was no accident that everything fell apart just when I was finally making progress on my inner blockages. They fell apart because I was making progress on my inner blockages.

As painful as it is, it’s a good thing, because my life circumstances were built on lies. The lies were the early beliefs I had formed about myself since childhood. Once I began changing those beliefs, my life circumstances began changing also. Change is good, but it can also be scary and painful as hell. It is necessary however, because in order to build something better, we need to tear down what already exists.

So, how do we deal with the pain and fear when everything falls apart? Our first reaction might be to run away to avoid feeling the pain. Another reaction might be to try and put everything back the way it was before it fell apart. But doing so only delays the process. Remember that the destruction is necessary in order to make room for the rebuilding of something better.

In order to complete the process, we need to stay with it. There will be pain and discomfort involved. There will be fear. There will be anger and grief. But there will also be an awakening deeper than any we have experienced before, and our eyes will be opened in powerful ways.


 

Tags:

Phoniness

Anyone of you ever read "The Catcher in the Rye"?
well, anyone in a country that doesn't have that book banned anyways.

 well, the main character, Holden Caufield, hates phoniness.
the whole book talks about phony, and conformity.
and there are all the other points that make this book brilliant, or not.

but i'm not going to talk about the book.
i'm going to talk about the phoniness of the world.

Everywhere you go, people are lying to you.
just thinking, and feeling better, just because they said something that'll probably make YOU feel better.
the truth is, it doesn't.
But when people don't say these lies, they feel offended.
But when they do, they feel crappy anyways, and hate them for feeling that.
anyone who doesn't think this way, is extremely gullible.
how ironic is that?

interesting reads

I stumbled across a very interesting article about hypergraphia in Psychology Today. It's a disorder where people compulsively write things down. It was recorded to have happened as far back as the Roman era when people were overtaken by muses. What it really looks like is telporal lobe epilepsy. One woman who had her prematurely delivered twins die went into a major writing spree. These people just have to write even if what comes out makes no coherent sense. According to one of the people they quoted as having it, "For us it is mostly pleasurable. You only suffer when you think you're writing badly."

They also list some famous hypergraphs: Edgar Allan Poe, Danielle Steel, Dostoevsky, Sylvia Plath, Joyce Carol Oates, Isaac Asimov and Stephen King. This would explain why entire shelves of SciFi, romance and and popular fiction are dedicated to these names. I was inundated with Stephen King whilst skimming the fiction section in a bookstore last week. I think there is something else up in there besides hypergraphia given that he has said, "I have the heart of a little boy. It's sitting in a jar on my desk."

I found another website which contains hysterical quotes and it had me smiling away.

Wait! You Need to Pay the Directions Tax

Tourist: Excuse me, how do I get to Times Square?
Ghetto dude: This is Times Square.
Tourist, slower and louder: No. Times Square.
Ghetto dude, slower and louder: This is Times Square.
Tourist: No, I'm looking for the actual square. Where's the square?
Ghetto dude: Oh, you want the square... Go down six blocks, turn left, and go down three. You can't miss it.
Tourist: Hey, thanks a lot, man.
Ghetto dude: Dumb fuck.

--42nd & Broadway


Why the MTA Has Principals' Offices

Man #1: Hey, hey! Who do you think you are?
Woman #1: Excuse me?
Man #1: You! Get that bag off the seat!
Woman #2: Leave her alone.
Man #1: Shut up! She has her fucking bag on the seat! Nobody's better than anyone else. We're all people. She shouldn't take up two fucking seats!
Man #2: Nobody wants to sit next to you, so you're taking up two seats, too.

--A train

High Expectations Can Have Unintended Consequences

Kindly gent: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little kid: Retarded!
Kindly gent: Retarded?
Little kid: My grandpa is retarded, and he gets to play and watch TV all day!
Kindly gent: [Stunned silence.]
Kid's mom, embarrassed: He means 'retired.'
Little kid: Retarded! Retarded! Retarded! I wanna be retarded! [Starts to cry.]

--Washington & Water St

Then It's at Least Two Sins

Street preacher: Oh, you poor ladies. You are on your way to Hell. Stop holding each other like that! Don't you know that lesbianism is a sin?
Girl: Dude, that's my mom!

--Jay St

Jet-Propelled Wednesday One-Liners

Pilot: We're on our way to New York where the weather is cold and icy, just like my prom date back in high school.

--Jet Blue flight 114 from Ft. Lauderdale to JFK


Flight attendant announcing boarding call: If you have given up your seat on this flight, please do not board the plane.

--LaGuardia


United Airlines employee on PA: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to use the last-one-on-is-a-rotten-egg method of boarding here.

--LaGuardia

Overheard by: Hour-and-a-Half Delayed


Pilot, as the seatbelt sign goes off: All rise.

--Airtran flight from Atlanta to LaGuardia

Overheard by: Debbie Kate


Stewardess: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention I would very much appreciate it. My parents paid thousands of dollars to put me through college for a theater arts and communications degree, and since this is the only time the airline ever puts a microphone in my hand, I'm sure they would really appreciate it, too.

--United flight from LaGuardia to Chicago

Overheard by: Ellen


Airline representative: Paging La... La-gua-ti-ne Pu-ra-na-ma-te? Paging... Eh, I know I messed that one up. If your name rhymes with the one I just said or it sounds at all like yours, please come to the desk.

--LaGuardia


Overheard by: Delayed

Pilot: Why, hello, everyone! This is your captain, Bud Howard, and your copilot, Harvey the Rabbit. The FCC or FCA... Some fancy organization told me to tell you that I have to show you a very low-budget and entertaining movie on how to act on a United flight. Basically, if you've been around the past 50 years you know how to put on a seatbelt. You can't be jumpin' up and down like a jimmy-cricket, and the sooner you watch it the sooner I can push this big mother. Lastly, my young Jedi here says he'll fly us so I'm going to take a little nap while our copilot does everything. Relax. Anyone doesn't know what I said, find the nearest southerner and ask for a translation.

--LaGuardia


Hahaha.

Tags:

I have finally come out of the hiatus mode .

I have reached a resolution. A resolution to a question/problem/issue that has been troubling/tormenting/draining me for years. And it is a big one. A big and simple resolution, and it goes something like this:

I have a list of friends, not a formal list, but probably a semi-formal one, who I have deeply ambivilent feelings about. Friends who I have a troubled relationship with, whether that trouble is active in life or just troubled in my puzzle-box mind. Yes, I have a small selection of friends with whom I have a relationship which is not troubled at all, which is simple and easily joyful, and I treasure them, but it wouldn't even be fair to say I treasure them more than the troubled ones. I treasure them all differently. It is one of the things I like about myself.

If you are on the list of troubled relationships, you probably know it, so I will be so bold as to address you directly to explain what I have figured out:

I love you. That is the revelation. That is the resolution.

I am so full of judgement sometimes that is it a wonder I even walk upright. And I don't think I will stop wrestling with judgement. But the question of "it is worth it" and "should I even try to continue" is not a question I have any more, because I have realized this. That I love you.

Maybe it is that I love you and you can't help who you love so I am stuck with it. Or maybe it is that I love you because you are one of the few, carefully selected people I have chosen to love. I don't know. I know that I have no trouble shutting people out, and I rarely go back and let them in. But once you are in, you are in. So here we are.

You are flawed. Really, you are massively flawed. But in all of my life, I have never, I swear and am certain NEVER, made friends with anyone who was more flawed than I am. I mean, I have flaws that go all the way through to the other side. I am practically duct taped together. I have never taken from anyone more shit than the amount of shit they have had to take from me. So I just don't have a position to judge from. I don't even HAVE a high road to look down from.

The fact is, I love you. And that is why I continue to be your friend. That is why I will never write you off. And starting right now, I will love you without shame or reservation no matter how flawed I think you are, or you think you are, or our relationship seems to be. Because the flaws are fucking nothing. Because it is all so much, much bigger than that.

I choose not to withhold my love from you. I choose to give it all, all the time. Imperfectly. Irrationally. Unconditionally. Because that is what I am made to do and that is who I choose to be.

I love you, and whatever bullshit there has been, I have arrived to tell you, I am over it. 


Rag dance is coming along just fine. I wish i could stop worrying incessantly and unnecessarily. I'm glad to be back in hall.

an overdose of Grey's

I'm going to take a break off from watching Grey's to post some quotes that i loved from Grey's. Quirky ay. ha ha ha.

GEORGE: [to Meredith] "I know you've been going through a bad time. I know you miss Shepherd and that your life has been pretty unpleasant these days. You get points for breathing in and out. You get to be a little selfish. But you don't get to choose a dog over me. You don't. My name is George. I sleep down the hall from you. I buy you tampons. I hold your hand. Every time you ask. I've earned the right to be seen. To be respected. So, I'm not moving out. Whether you like it or not, I'm staying." 

MEREDITH: "Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

ALEX: [to teenage patient who asks him to kiss her]: "Hey, listen. For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something... to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere... a kiss so hot and so deep that you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. You don't want to. Trust me. When you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything.

MEREDITH: [narrating] "I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don't know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. As for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something we have to define for ourselves." 

GEORGE: [to Meredith] "I know you've been going through a bad time. I know you miss Shepherd and that your life has been pretty unpleasant these days. You get points for breathing in and out. You get to be a little selfish. But you don't get to choose a dog over me. You don't. My name is George. I sleep down the hall from you. I buy you tampons. I hold your hand. Every time you ask. I've earned the right to be seen. To be respected. So, I'm not moving out. Whether you like it or not, I'm staying." 

PRESTON: "So, I have a question to ask. I checked the schedule and I noticed that both you and I are off tonight. I have a favorite restaurant. I made reservations."
CRISTINA: "None of those were questions."

MEREDITH: [narrating] "Pain. You just have to ride it out. You can only hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside."

MEREDITH: [narrating] "Nobody likes to lose control, but as a surgeon there's nothing worse. It's a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. Still there are times when it just gets away from you, when the world stops spinning, when you realize your shiny little scalpel isn't gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. It's scary as hell. Except there's an upside to the free fall. It's the chance you give your friends to catch you." 

MEREDITH: "Hey."
DEREK: "Hey. You almost died today."
MEREDITH: "Yeah, I almost died today."
[pause]
MEREDITH: "I can't, I can't remember our last kiss. All I could think about was 'I'm going to die today' and I can't remember our last kiss. Which is pathetic but the last time we were together and happy... I want to be able remember that. And I can't, Derek. I can't remember."
DEREK: "I'm glad you didn't die today."
[pause]
DEREK: "It was a Thursday morning, you were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in. The one with the hole at the back of the neck. You'd just washed you hair and smelled like some kind of... flower. I was running late for surgery, you said you were going to see me later, and you lean to me, put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. It was quick. Kind of like a habit. You know, like we'd do it everyday for the rest of our lives. Then you went back reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed."

MEREDITH: [narrating] "As doctors, as friends, as human beings, we all try to do the best we can. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. Just when you’ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts. It knocks you off your feet. If youre lucky, you end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover. But some wounds are deeper than they first appear, and require more than just a quick fix. With some wounds, you have to rip of the band-aid, let them breathe and give them time to heal."

MEREDITH: [narrating] "There's something to be said about a glass half full, about knowing when to say when. I think it's more of a floating line, a barometer of need. Of desire. It's entirely up to the individual, and it depends what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless... all we want is more."

MEREDITH: [narrating] "I've heard that it’s possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend, in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give up hope."

RICHARD: "Punching out people on my surgical floor. My head of neurosurgery is punching out people on my surgical floor."
ADDISON: "Put some ice on your hand."
DEREK: "My hand is fine."
RICHARD: "Put the damn ice on your two million dollar a year hand. Now someone tell me what the hell happened."
ADDISON: [pauses] "That was Mark."
RICHARD: "Who’s Mark?"
ADDISON: "He and Derek used to work together back in New York. And they... we... we were all close friends. Until Derek found us in bed together."
RICHARD: "Did you put your weight behind it?"
DEREK: "Yes sir."
RICHARD: [pauses] "Well, alright then."

[more to be continued]

Made perfect

"the girl you see in the mirror isn't who i see, when i look at you i see
reflections of me, you don't like your face so you paint over my
masterpiece, you hide your face so you hide my face and fail to believe.

i made you the way that you would be most beautiful,
and i planned you way before the universe was born,
when you try to change yourself it only makes me cry,
i don't know why you try to make better what i made perfect."


-three cord wonder; made perfect

it's days like these where i ask myself what i'm doing with my life. hell if i know.
sometimes it seems like all i do is run in circles like a chicken with it's head cut off - confused and pretty much brain dead.
i mean, many times i get so caught up in making decisions, making plans, doing stuff that i feel as if life was just too hectic to live in. I'm sure most of you get that feeling. The feeling that you are going through daily activities, happenings, events, but subtlely thinking to yourself " what the hell am i doing here?"

anyways, it's days like these where i look at myself in the mirror and say, "stop being such a depressed, fun sucking, blah".
It poured heavily last night. but  for some reason i liked it. 

i was laying on the floor when i heard made perfect by three cord wonder. it was on my ipod but i forgot about it.
that's when i realized how hard on myself i really am. i cut myself no slack.
i got a few Cs on my report card. who cares? that doesn't make me any less of a person than a straight A student.
i'm not bone skinny, so what. i have a right eye that is a bit smaller than my left, doesn't matter.
but i guess those are just things that make me, me.

it's easier to hold yourself at a distance and be negative, that way you wont get hurt.
but maybe that's what life is all about. guess and checking to find the things that take away the hurt you have hidden away.
all i have to say is this, you only fail when you give up - success is in the fight you put up.
God only gives us dreams we can accomplish.

I haven been blogging recently because of work, rag dance and Grey's Anatomy. currently onto Season 2 of Grey's, episode 25 and i am so in love with it. I'm hooked, addicted and i can't wait to rush back to home/hall just to catch a few episodes. My life's been pretty boring lately because.. there just isn't anything much happening around here. Rag dance is good, so far. I'm happy of the progress we've made, especially with the huge team of choreos we have,but, i'm pretty sure we'll make it. I learnt something this week- that worrying excessively does no help. I worry about anything and everything under the sun, but in the end, its not within my control, its God's. Ironically, i find myself doing so much thinking these days. Its hard to explain what i'm feeling because words, they aren't everything. They can't exactly draw a perfect picture of a person's emotions which is why I get frustrated by this restrictions and constraints ever so often. As of now, i'm just going to drown myself in Grey's. Bern's coming back tmr morning, which is around 10 hours from now. can't wait..